In anger, when harsh words spill out, it can affect our relationship negatively.
Language is a powerful tool in all relationships. We use our words to let our partners know how we feel about them, what we expect from them, and to be there for them in their time of need. We are constantly using our words, through speech or in writing, to communicate. Sometimes, when there is a breakdown of communication, things go awry, but it is words again that comes to the rescue in that situation.
There are some words like "love", "trust", and "honesty" which we want to be associated with our relationship and then there are some we want to stay far away from. Even in anger, even by mistake, when we use these words, they slice through the listener's heart.
If you want to make sure that your words are not damaging your relationship, here are four you should stay away from:
When we use this word, we are telling our partner that they "always" mess up, that nothing they do for us is up to our expectations. It has a sense of rigidity, according to therapist Julie Orlov writing for YourTango. Using this word would take you back to the fight about who is right and who is wrong. More specifically, it asserts your righteousness in an argument, which can anger a partner who has been trying their best. When we use such words it shows a lack of willingness to listen to the other side. It will help your relationship when you talk about the specific incident that angered you instead of making an all-encompassing claim.
There is a finality in using this word in an argument and it might sound like an accusation. Whenever a problem arises in a relationship, it would grow from that problem when both partners seek for the solution rather than assigning blame on each other.
"Absolutes should never be said to your partner," says pre-marital counselor and wedding officiant Hope Mirlis to Redbookmag. "The words 'always' and 'never' are rarely true and they're usually said out of anger or frustration. As in 'you always prioritize your friends over me' or 'you never offer to cook dinner.'" Hope recommends that people begin by stating a fact rather than laying blame, such as "I did the laundry every week this month." When we blame the partner, they immediately become defensive rather than thinking like a team and look for a solution.
Things can get heated in an argument but one of the most painful things a partner can say to the other is to "shut up." When we use such words, we are dismissing another person's voice and telling them that whatever they have to say will not be heard. If they were talking over you, it would help to ask them to lower their voice until or allow you to finish rather than asking them to "shut up," says relationship expert and CupidsPulse.com founder Lori Bizzoco.
When you harsh words like "divorce" or "break-up" in anger, it is like an ultimatum. Relationship expert and advice columnist April Masini tells Redbookmag, "Throwing out 'divorce' is like throwing down the third rail. You shouldn't touch it. You shouldn't say it unless you mean it. And you definitely shouldn't use it as a tool to get your partner's attention." Issues can be solved by talking about it but once we use such words, they are likely to remain like a burden in the heart of the one it was spoken to.
When things get this heated, it might help to step out of the situation until emotions are back in control.